About a year ago, I started this blog because I had lost my firstborn and I had also lost some friendships. I wanted an outlet and my intentions at the time were to also find others that just wanted someone to listen to them. I did not stick to my original goal of updating weekly and so forth. Not because I forgot about my blog, but because I was busy praying to God for another chance.
When I lost Troy, there were days that I did not know how I was going to be able to keep moving forward. I had essentially lost my faith in the Lord. I just did not understand why the Lord would take my child away from me and allow others, who in my grief-stricken mind, did not deserve their gifts from God. Obviously, this was a terrible way of thinking, and somehow, I found myself praying to the Lord more.
I was always lukewarm in my relationship with Christ. I suppose I didn’t put much stock into His words. But one day, I prayed to the Lord to please bless me with a healthy baby and to allow me to raise this one. I fasted from coffee between 6 am and 6 pm and I made a covenant with the Lord that if he allowed me this gift that I would start tithing. It was the month of July when I heard the Lord whisper to me that I was indeed with child, five months after losing Troy. I was honestly skeptical because again my relationship had always been lukewarm and the trust in Him was not there.
When the pregnancy test turned positive, I was filled with a mix of emotions. I was happy, scared, but oh so grateful that He listened to my prayers. I spent the rest of 2018 and beginning of this year praying to the Lord constantly that I would be able to raise this child. I made the conscious decision to take it easy during my pregnancy with Silas. I changed my work hours so that I would always have a day off, I got a doctor’s note to ensure that I would have breaks, and I no longer had the stress from toxic friendships.
Last summer, I did not understand why I had to lose my Troy and why my friendships ended the way that they did. But now looking back, I see that I had to go through those things to become the mother that Silas needed. I needed something severe to occur for me to learn how to put family before work and to actually learn how to relax. I needed to get rid of toxic friendships. If I had turn to the Lord first, things may have turned out differently. In the end I will always be Troy’s mother and I like to think that he helped pick out his little brother, Silas, from heaven.
I am no longer lukewarm in my relationship with the Lord and I understand now what it means to trust in Him.