October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. If you have been following this blog, then you know that in February of 2018, my son Troy was stillborn. My husband and I do not know why we lost him and unfortunately, that is the case for a lot of infant deaths. At the beginning of my grief, I blamed myself because I carried him, and my body failed him. It took a lot for me to not blame myself, work, or God.
Yes, God. I was very angry with Him because I did not understand why He would allow something like this to happen to my family. Why would He allow a child that was so loved to die without any cause? Once I admitted out loud to Him just how angry I was, I suddenly began to heal. I began reading my Bible more, trying to understand more about this God that I was taught to believe in. I realized that He was grieving with me and that He too knew the pain of losing a child.
I look at Silas sometimes and wonder if Troy would have been as happy and boisterous as him. I do not dwell on these thoughts for long, and instead, I tell myself how lucky Silas is to have an older brother that is always watching over him.
In honor of Troy, I will not be spending this month sad. I will instead make the conscious decision to uplift others in his name, serve others, and give thanks. You can choose to dwell in your remorse if that is your desire, but as for myself and my family, we are choosing to bless others and to show one another how much we love and appreciate each other.
If you do not want to honor your child’s memory with sadness, then join me in uplifting others. Send a loved one a simple text message about how grateful you are for them. Volunteer in your community or spend the afternoon going on a family hike. Whatever it is that you choose to do, do so in a way that you feel your child would love. And if it is okay with you, I would like to pray for you.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please watch over your children Lord. This is a difficult month for many Lord, and I just ask that You help to relieve them of some of their pain. Lord, I ask that You watch over those rainbow babies and I ask that You bless those that are scared to try again. Lord, I declare that this month will be one of healing and not one of sadness. I declare that these precious mamas will know that it is okay to celebrate their angel baby. That while they may not have had the opportunity to raise them here on earth, they will be with them again. That no matter what some may say, that they are parents, and no one can take that away from them.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
If you would like to support me, I wrote a seven day devotional specifically for us loss mamas. I know for me reading loss books and joining Facebook groups, helped me in my journey of healing.