Draw Nearer

I saw an article the other day where the author discussed how losing their child turned them away from the Lord. I will not post the article out of respect for their privacy;however, the article grieved me deeply, not just for their loss, but because they believed the enemy’s lies.

They allowed the enemy to get into their head and turn them away from our Lord God. Was I angry when I lost Troy? Yes, yes I was very angry and I asked questions that were never answered. However; I had no one other than my husband to lean on. I took comfort in the knowledge that my son experienced no worldly pain and that he was safe in Heaven. I took comfort in the fact that God too lost a son.

I didn’t distance myself from Him, I came nearer. So, I urge you to draw in closer to our Lord God. Draw from His strength, for He told us that He would make us perfect in our weakness.

Whatever is troubling you, pray to our savior and ask for help. It may not happen overnight, it may not happen in a couple of months, but you will have peace if you draw in near. 

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Trusting In The Lord After A Still-birth

About a year ago, I started this blog because I had lost my firstborn and I had also lost some friendships. I wanted an outlet and my intentions at the time were to also find others that just wanted someone to listen to them. I did not stick to my original goal of updating weekly and so forth. Not because I forgot about my blog, but because I was busy praying to God for another chance.

When I lost Troy, there were days that I did not know how I was going to be able to keep moving forward. I had essentially lost my faith in the Lord. I just did not understand why the Lord would take my child away from me and allow others, who in my grief-stricken mind, did not deserve their gifts from God. Obviously, this was a terrible way of thinking, and somehow, I found myself praying to the Lord more.

I was always lukewarm in my relationship with Christ. I suppose I didn’t put much stock into His words. But one day, I prayed to the Lord to please bless me with a healthy baby and to allow me to raise this one. I fasted from coffee between 6 am and 6 pm and I made a covenant with the Lord that if he allowed me this gift that I would start tithing.  It was the month of July when I heard the Lord whisper to me that I was indeed with child, five months after losing Troy. I was honestly skeptical because again my relationship had always been lukewarm and the trust in Him was not there.

When the pregnancy test turned positive, I was filled with a mix of emotions. I was happy, scared, but oh so grateful that He listened to my prayers. I spent the rest of 2018 and beginning of this year praying to the Lord constantly that I would be able to raise this child. I made the conscious decision to take it easy during my pregnancy with Silas. I changed my work hours so that I would always have a day off, I got a doctor’s note to ensure that I would have breaks, and I no longer had the stress from toxic friendships.

Last summer, I did not understand why I had to lose my Troy and why my friendships ended the way that they did. But now looking back, I see that I had to go through those things to become the mother that Silas needed. I needed something severe to occur for me to learn how to put family before work and to actually learn how to relax. I needed to get rid of toxic friendships. If I had turn to the Lord first, things may have turned out differently. In the end I will always be Troy’s mother and I like to think that he helped pick out his little brother, Silas, from heaven.

I am no longer lukewarm in my relationship with the Lord and I understand now what it means to trust in Him.

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My dog is my child

Dogs can be seen as a source of comfort and joy to the millions of households around the world. Each dog has its own personality and quirks that make it unique and as a result, time should be dedicated to discovering which personality best fits your lifestyle.

At least that’s the responsible way for bringing home a new pet. When I got Loki back in December of 2017, I was four months pregnant with my first child.

Here I was expecting a new life and was feeling so down about not passing an exam that would have guaranteed a raise and having been rejected for covenant position at work; I was clearly not in the right mind frame to be purchasing a dog.

How wrong I was.

In the back of my mind, I knew just how much a puppy let alone a husky puppy would take. But I figured hey I’ve had two huskies now; it should be a piece of cake.

I may have had experience with the breed, but working two jobs, pregnant, and it was cold outside I was severely unprepared for just how difficult it would be. But with my husband’s help, we worked together to train our new addition.

Everything seemed to be going okay ish until February 16, 2018, when we learned that our first child was no longer.

There are no real words that encompass the amount of pain you feel when you have a lost a child. As much as I wanted to curl up and waste my days away, I couldn’t.

I had Loki, this puppy that had no idea what had just happened to the family. I had Loki who depended on me for his needs to be met.

I would have never predicted that I would lose my firstborn when we picked out Loki. Was it irresponsible to buy a pet because I was having a bad day?


But I would not have been able to move forward in my grief without my husband and our rambunctious puppy.

So when people say that this dog is like my child, please understand that we know that raising a puppy and raising a child are two different ballparks, but for some raising a puppy is the only opportunity they can get.

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The Art of Forgiveness

The Art of Forgiveness
Forgiving is not easy, if it was everyone would do it. Families and other relationships have been torn because of the inability to forgive. But if you think about it, so much time and energy is wasted by maintain this anger.

You are giving that person control over you. You think about how they have wronged you, then you analyze and analyze the situation until you are left feeling numb. Rehashing the situation with others just feels you with more anger as you nitpick every message that was sent or every word that was spoken.

You do this over and over, and over. And it gets you nowhere.

There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. Do not forget what that person has done, but forgive them and hold no animosity. There is a saying, “ Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

Do not continuously put yourself in situations that you know will leave you hurt. For example, this person always drags you into the middle of their relationship and you listen and provide advice on how you would salvage the situation. The problem is when said person throws you under the bus and blames their problems on you. It bothers you and yet you keep trying to help. Only to get lashed out at by both parties.

So what do you do here?

You forgive them for not being there when you had a situation. You even forgive them for using your son’s death as a reason to lash out at others.

But you do not forget.

And because you have forgiven, they have no hold on you. You do not lose sleep and you are instead at peace.

But because you have not forgotten their actions, you put yourself first and take that first step towards living a blessed and stress free life.

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Friendship after Loss

Do you have that one friend who’s child is continuously misbehaving and puts a whole damper on the mood?

No?, well I have such a friend.

Parenting is hard work. The older I get, the more I respect my mother for her sacrifices and not going off on the deep end after raising three girls. And while I have no living children of my own, my first was born stillborn, I had already discussed with my husband the parenting style that we would incorporate.

It is hard sometimes to not express an opinion on a matter that your friend seems to be struggling with. I could go into detail the numerous struggles that my friend is enduring, but I am going to focus this post on their parenting method and how it is ultimately affecting the friendship.

You see, this friend feels some guilt for not providing the best home environment for their child in their early life and as a result does not discipline them very well. I will not get into the whole debate about discipline vs. punishment, but I think we can all agree that there need to be boundaries established at a young age so that these mini adults can function well in society.

The problem with this friend’s parenting style is that they merely threaten to take the video games away or they threaten to have them sit in their room for a certain length of time, or they threaten to put them in timeout, etc. They simply just threaten but do not follow through with what was promised, and the child knows that. While this bothers me because I saw how flustered and stressed my friend is, I say nothing because ultimately that is her child and she has to live with the attitude.

My issue is when that child’s behavior has a direct negative effect on either I or my husband. Now my friend’s child adores my husband because he is silly and he will actually get down and play make believe or assist him with the newest video game. But this child does not respect boundaries, he constantly hits my husband and pulls on him, and will throw a tantrum while out in public. Simply put, it gets old real fast when you are trying to enjoy your meal, and you have a child constantly pulling and hitting you, and the parents do nothing. They say nothing, in fact, you start to feel like an unpaid babysitter because they only talk amongst themselves and leave you to fend off their child.

This all came to a head not too long ago when my husband asked if I would sit next to the child at dinner because he had been fasting all day for this large meal and just wanted to enjoy it. When said friends arrived, I tried to switch seats with my husband, which turned out to be a ‘mood killer’ for the rest of the evening. My friend got very offended, took her child to the restroom and I assume they talked for they came back and would not engage us in conversation. I tried to reach out after the dinner to explain that I was not trying to offend nor was I trying to hurt the child’s feelings.

In fact, after reaching out to me, she decided to completely end the friendship because she thought that by me asking her to step in and explain to her child that he should not hit others, I was hateful and a terrible friend.

So, if you are one those parents that have a wild child, please be understanding if your friend spaces out get-togethers or just stops coming by entirely. I get it parenting is hard, I have seen the toll it takes on others, but do not allow a friendship to dissolve because your friend does not want to be your child’s punching bag.

P.s. I am open to any advice you may have.

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